Sitting on the shelf next to the regular Diet Coke is a bottle with a bright teal cap and a fluorescent yellow sticker that reads “New Item.” So you think to yourself, “If I’m already planning on having a Diet Coke, why not go for the one with vitamins and minerals?” The label on a 20-ounce bottle says it will give you 30-45 percent of your daily value of niacin, vitamin B6, vitamin B12, magnesium and zinc. Fantastic! It will help you fight off a cold while eating the lining of your stomach!

We all know diet soda is bad for us, but some choose to drink it anyway. Trying to get people to believe it will be good for you is silly. And it tastes bad. It’s flat—almost completely without bubbles. The few bubbles that surface are immediately dragged back down to the bottom, offerings to the carbonation gods. Without them, the liquid has no excitement. And it seems to get warm really fast. You end up feeling like a mud skipper when you drink it. Don’t they sell enough soda that they don’t need to keep coming up with new items? It’s “Episoda I.” What’s next, Diet Pepsi with spirulina?