Dino De Laurentiis Company, 1985

starring: Brigitte Nielsen, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sandahl Bergman, and Ernie Reyes Jr.

directed by: Richard Fleischer

the plot: After her village is burned and her family killed by the evil Queen Gedren (Bergman), warrior woman Red Sonja (Nielsen) begins her quest for revenge. She trains for years with the deadliest swordsmen in the land. As she sets out on her own, Sonja receives word that her sister, a priestess charged with guarding a powerful talisman, is near death. Sonja’s sister reveals that Gedren stole the talisman and, if the magic device is not recovered within a fortnight, she will use it to shatter the world. Her sister dies and Sonja sets out for vengeance again, this time accompanied by Kalidor (Schwarzenegger), a barbarian lord, and Prince Tarn (Reyes), the pint-sized ruler of another city Gedren has destroyed. As Sonja’s quest draws her closer to Gedren’s fortress, she learns that her blade alone may not be enough to save her or her friends.

why it’s good:  It’s hard to pinpoint where things went awry with sword and sorcery flicks in the 1980s, but it might have been when producer Dino De Laurentiis demanded “Conan the Destroyer,” the sequel to the ultra-violent 1982 epic “Conan the Barbarian,” hit theaters with a PG rating. By 1985, when De Laurentiis tried to extend the Conan franchise a bit further with the “Red Sonja” spin-off, the bloody swordplay of the earlier Conan flicks had been replaced with slightly sanitized swashbuckling, and an annoying kid sidekick (played with screechy gusto by Ernie Reyes Jr.) was thrown into the mix. The barbarian world of Conan and Red Sonja may be home to all manner of monstrosities, but it’s no place for precocious, smart-mouthed, kung-fu kids. It is a place, however, for atrocious acting, and it’s possible that “Sonja” could have been salvaged if it wasn’t up to Brigitte Nielsen to carry the film. Nielsen certainly looks the part of a fierce, proud warrior woman, but she speaks like a hesitant robot, devoid of emotion and unsure what she’s saying. It doesn’t help that Nielsen tries, and usually fails, to conceal her Danish accent; she should have taken a cue from Schwarzenegger and embraced it. Nielsen’s stilted speech is eclipsed only by her costars’ campy performances—most notably Sandahl Bergman, who, clad in some atrocious evening wear and a goofy mask, cackles and complains her way through the movie. Ignore the bad acting in “Sonja” and there’s not much else to do. The whole magical-destructive-talisman plot is barely sketched out, and there are far too few epic battles or crazy monsters to keep things interesting. When Sonja flirts with Kalidor, she says that no man may lie with her unless he defeats her in combat. She probably should’ve extended that rule to anyone attempting to make a “Red Sonja” film.

why you should own it: If you liked the “Conan” flicks, you might consider watching those again rather than slogging through “Red Sonja.” Or you can hold out for the remake, which is currently stuck in production limbo and may or may not appear in 2011.