Please note! Do not proceed without your sense of humor. Really, ever, for that matter. 

There are more reasons than ever not to leave your house this summer.

It’s become an annual tradition at The Wire to warn our readers about some of the awful, bad, wicked things that prowl the outdoors on the Seacoast each summer. In past editions, we’ve cautioned you about sharks and bears and snakes, as well as ticks and mosquitoes and spiders. But that’s only scratching the surface of things to be afraid of.

Every year, new dangers emerge, and that’s why we admonish people to stay inside during the summer months. It’s increasingly perilous to walk in the woods, or through tall grass, or even down the sidewalk. Hell, the sunlight, itself, can kill you if you give it long enough. Here are a handful of other things to avoid at all costs. If you ignore our advice and go out to enjoy the warm sunshine and cool breezes, well, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Summer Danger #1: Jellyfish!

How many times do we have to tell you: never, ever set foot in the ocean. The water is cold, the tides are powerful, and the sea is full of strange creatures that mean to do you harm. A case in point is the jellyfish, a revolting marine species with long, stingy tentacles.Last July, as you may recall, a dead jellyfish washed up at Wallis Sands Beach in Rye and stung an estimated 150 people, making national headlines. The red creature weighed about 50 pounds and, placed in a trash bag after being removed from the water with a pitchfork, looked remarkably similar to that terrible alien in “The Blob.” Not only was the jellyfish dead, but it had already been taken out of the water when beachgoers started screaming. Many of its tentacles had apparently been severed by the pitchfork and were dispersed throughout the water, stinging unwitting swimmers and sending several panicked children to the hospital. One witness reported seeing a similar jellyfish in York. Unlike bees, snakes, spiders and most other venomous creatures, which only strike in self-defense when threatened, jellyfish sting automatically upon contact with their tentacles, injecting venom into the skin. The severity of the reaction varies depending on the species—some are barely noticeable, while others can cause severe pain or death.   Several jellyfish species can be found in coastal New England waters. Even the deadly Portuguese man o’ war (OK, technically not a jellyfish, but close enough) has been known to grace our shores. A sting from one of these fine fellows can result in intense pain, fever, shock and, in rare cases, death. And their tentacles can be more than 150 feet long. If that’s not enough incentive to stay the hell out of the Atlantic, I don’t know what is.

Summer Danger #2: Rabid foxes!

We’ve warned you about rabies before, but we are currently on high alert specifically for rabid foxes, which have been running rampant in the Granite State this year. In April, an aggressive fox attacked at least four people in Nashua, including two children playing in their back yard. Then, in early June, another fox bit three people in Bedford. 

In the latter attack, the fox sank its teeth into the leg of a five-year-old boy getting ready for school in his driveway. The boy’s mother had to literally pry the animal’s jaws from her son’s leg and wrestle with it for several minutes, getting bitten repeatedly in the process. 

The fox later snuck into a school building and bit a four-year-old girl. The bite wounds to her wrist and ankle will heal, but the psychological scars of being attacked by a wild canine in the normally safe haven of her preschool will probably last for a while. 

The rabies virus is spread by infected saliva that enters the body through a bite and then goes straight to the brain, causing inflammation. The resulting symptoms include anxiety, numbness, drooling, muscle spasms, convulsions, paralysis and death. 

Rabies can be treated in humans if promptly identified, but the medical procedure is unpleasant. The mother who was bitten in Bedford while valiantly protecting her son required more than 20 painful injections. Here’s what she told the Union Leader about the shots: “They are excruciating. I’ve given birth three times, and that’s excruciating.”

Sounds like fun, eh? Still, I’d recommend running in the other direction whenever you see a fox, thereby avoiding the bites and the injections. Oh, and also avoid raccoons, skunks, bats, fishers and, just to be safe, dogs. They can all carry rabies, and they all have sharp teeth.  

Summer Danger #3: Hemlock woolly adelgid!

Last summer we warned readers about the Asian longhorned beetle, a nefarious insect known to destroy deciduous hardwood trees. Now, another invasive insect from Asia threatens our prized vegetation, specifically, the regal eastern hemlocks of southern Maine.

The threat comes from the hemlock woolly adelgid, an aphid-like critter recently identified in Vaughan Woods in South Berwick. First reported in the Eastern United States in the early 1950s, these pests form white, woolly masses on the underside of hemlock twigs and at the base of needles. They look like puffy little mothballs, but don’t be fooled: they can kill an infested tree within a few years.

This is bad news. Eastern hemlocks are found along streambeds and have branches low to the ground, preventing erosion and providing important habitat for a myriad of wildlife species. Their destruction at the hands of these illegal aliens would have an ecological ripple effect on this scenic state park in South Berwick, where families regularly stroll the shaded trails. And, left unchecked, HWA could spread to other pristine wooded areas of Maine and New Hampshire.

In order to combat these invaders, the Maine Forest Service released an army of black lady beetles into Vaughan Woods in early May. The hope is that the tiny beetles—also native to Japan—will feed on the HWA and keep their population in check. But, while introducing one invasive species to control another may sound like a good idea, the tactic can backfire disastrously. Authorities admit there is a possibility of unintended consequences—a perceived ally could turn out to be yet another enemy. 

“You can never eliminate this possibility,” entomologist Allison Kanoti told The Wire in May. “Ecosystems are very complex, so there can always be things that you don’t anticipate.”

Summer Danger #4: Segways! As if the swarms of tourists that descend on the Seacoast each summer didn’t present enough of a hazard already, they can now speed around the sidewalks on large, self-propelled vehicles that can travel at more than 12 miles per hour.  Seacoast Segway Tours came to Portsmouth this spring, offering guided tours that range in length from one to three hours. The company provides the Segways and leads clients on a tour of historic homes and scenic waterfront properties around the Port City.

It sounds pleasant enough for the tourists who buy the ticket, but what about for the locals with whom they share the sidewalks? You could be strolling peacefully in Market Square when a gang of Segways comes barreling toward you like Hell’s Angels. The riders are wearing helmets, but are you?

Segways have large wheels that could easily run over a prone body after it’s been knocked down by the metallic handlebars. Riders determine their speed by simply shifting their weight forward or backward. 

The devices are marketed as an environmentally friendly form of transportation, enabling people to move around quickly without actually exerting energy—a great alternative to healthful but laborious forms of locomotion like walking or cycling.

In the past, Seacoast residents have focused the bulk of their summer grievances on noisy motorcycles. But at least motorcyclists don’t drive on sidewalks. Segways may be silent, but they turn people into two-wheeled robots, and I’m worried they might malfunction.

Summer Danger #5: Robbers!

It seems like thieves and robbers become more brazen when the weather gets warm. In the winter, they mostly stick to pinching Christmas gifts from parked cars. But, when spring rolls around, they hit the banks and the gas stations and the jewelry stores.

Burglars entered Bellman Jewelers in downtown Portsmouth in early June and relieved the business of more than $1 million worth of merchandise—the largest local heist that anyone can remember. It would be inaccurate to say the perpetrators broke in, since the door was apparently unlocked and the security system deactivated. But police have not indicated whether they have any suspects. 

In late May, a robber wearing a dark, hooded sweatshirt and a bandana over his face walked into a Shell station in Rochester just before 2 a.m. and held the clerk at gunpoint before escaping with an undisclosed amount of cash and cigarettes. 

In April, a man waltzed into a Domino’s Pizza shop in Portsmouth and slipped a note to an employee indicating he had a gun. He, too, escaped with cash. That same month, a man ripped a bundle of bills right out of a victim’s hand as he was paying for gas at a Sunoco station in Rochester (the suspect was later arrested).

With reports like these making headlines, it’s surprising to think New Hampshire is considered one of the safest states in the nation. 

Admittedly, these crimes did not exactly occur outside. But you would have to leave your house to get to a jewelry store or gas station or pizza shop, and we advise against that. There are people with guns out there who want your money. And, if the current legislature has its way, many more citizens will be carrying arms in the near future.

Summer Danger #6: Murals!

The murals scattered around downtown this summer as part of the Portsmouth Museum of Art’s “Street a.k.a. Museum” exhibit have caused quite a stir. While many have embraced the public artworks, others have denounced them as unsightly blemishes on our clean and polished city. A group of residents recently circulated a petition against the murals and collected a whopping 50 signatures (in a city of more than 21,000 people).

Although all 10 of the murals are located on private property with permission from the owners, and although the project received consent from the city and police, opponents fear they will incite rampant graffiti. Juvenile delinquents armed with spray cans have just been waiting for some tacit encouragement to defile public spaces.

But the main gripe of opponents is that the murals don’t “fit in,” and they’re certainly right about that. Most of the new developments in our city are uniformly made of brick and are designed to look old and historic, even though they’re not. The murals, on the other hand, are unabashedly modern and vibrant and different. This will not stand. 

You’d think artists would have taken the hint after a giant ant sculpture was violently decapitated in Market Square back in 2008. We’ve seen the same sentiment in Maine, where Gov. Paul LePage had a large mural illustrating the state’s labor history removed from the Department of Labor. The message is clear: we will not allow our minds to be warped by art.

Listen, these paintings frighten and confuse us. When we look at the side of the Marple and James building, we just expect to see a wall. When we instead see a big pair of lips with lots of colors and words, we don’t know what to do, and we get upset. Please, no more public art.