Who will win the 2005 World Series? Will the Sox repeat, or will the evil empire rise again? It's anybody's guess. Still, baseball fans continue to try to predict the future, analyzing batting averages, RBI's and ERA's. This season, there's a new technique that's raising eyebrows. Iconic Ecological Modeling, or I-EM, develops a correlation between a sports team's success and the "real world" ecological success of the team's name. The predictive ability is eerie. For example, in football the Miami Dolphins, who were 4 and 12 last year, did poorly because real dolphins just can't stay out of tuna nets.

With its sophisticated analysis, I-EM brings together naturalists and fans in an elegant partnership that is just as reliable as other early-season predictors. So what does I-EM forecast for the major leagues in 2005? Let's find out.

First of all, it's important to understand how I-EM scoring works. I-EM generally gives a low score to teams with anthro-names, such as the Pirates, Rangers, or even the Red Sox. This is because humans often play the role of the ecological "spoiler" and are simply not sustainable. Some teams that do exceptionally poorly with I-EM are the Reds (sorry, comrade, but communism is on the ropes), the Mariners (the oceans are over-fished and polluted), and the Royals (inbred freaks). If a team gives their mascot a dorky name, I-EM gives the team a low score 'cause it's just plain insulting to Mother Nature-in basketball, the New Orleans Hornets, who's mascot is Hugo the Hornet, was 18 and 62 this year. Coincidence?

That said, after many calculations, I-EM predicts that the St. Louis Cardinals will win the 2005 World Series. Their success will correlate strongly with the ecological success of the northern cardinal, a native of the southeastern United States whose range is expanding northward and westward. This bright red songbird impressively avoids being eaten by predators, and adding to its appeal is the fact that the cardinal is the most popular state bird, representing seven states, making it a natural choice for All-American. Finally, the Cardinals' mascot, Fredbird, is an old-school mascot based on the godfather of all mascots, the San Diego Chicken. For 25 years, Fredbird has worn a team uniform and goofed around in the stands between innings. He is a model of sustainability for all mascots.

So how do some of the other teams rank with I-EM? Well, the Toronto Blue Jays will have a pretty good season, although they will have some injuries. Blue jays are common, raucous birds of New England; however, they are particularly susceptible to West Nile Virus (as are crows and ravens). The Blue Jays' mascot has had problems, too. Like Fredbird, B.J. Birdy had been around for 20 years before he was abruptly canned in 1999, a victim of age-ism. He was replaced with a young set of twins, Ace and Diamond, who are progressive, hip mascots. Diamond is the only female mascot character in Major League Baseball. Bye, bye, old Birdy.

I-EM predicts that the Baltimore Orioles will experience a steady decline as the season progresses. The slide will not be because of eroding talent but due instead to the real Baltimore oriole's wintering grounds eroding in Central America, thanks to deforestation. One thing the Oriole's have going for them is their mascot, The Bird, who is too cool for a name. The Bird has been known to flip himself at opposing teams. Sometimes things have gone too far, though, like in 1999 when a Philadelphia fan broke The Bird's ankle by pushing him off an outfield wall.

If any team deserves to be in the basement, it's the Arizona Diamondbacks, for their complete botching of their mascot. A reasonable person would assume the Diamondbacks' mascot would be a diamondback rattlesnake, a marvel of evolution with infrared vision, a tongue that can "smell" prey and powerful venom. Instead, the Diamondbacks management went with D. Baxter the Bobcat. How did the team justify this? They say it works because "the team is usually referred to as the Dbacks (Dbacks-D. Baxter) and the team plays at Bank One Ballpark, commonly called BOB (BOB-Bobcat)." Boo! Booo!

Proof that I-EM is accurate is supplied by the Chicago Cubs. Looking at their name, this team should do very well, since bear populations are fairly stable. So what's the problem? The problem is that the Cubs don't have a mascot. To win a World Series, they must adopt a respectful bear mascot to boost their I-EM score. Otherwise Harry Carey's riddle will be forever true: "What does a mother bear on the pill and the World Series have in common? - No Cubs."

That takes care of the major leaguers. Now let's take a quick look at two local minor league favorites: the Portland Sea Dogs and the New Hampshire Fisher Cats.

It seems that the Portland Sea Dogs are headed for a year of heartbreak. This prediction is based on the fact that a sea dog is another name for a common seal. In Portland, the most common seal is the harbor seal, although you might see a harp seal, gray seal or hooded seal, too. Now seals (especially pups) and wooden bats have never gotten along well, but last year seals in New England also had to watch out for poachers who were after their penises and testicles. Apparently a seal's naughty parts sell for almost $1,000 in some Asian markets as an energy-boosting supplement. The poachers have not been caught, so this may be another very sad year for sea dogs. Despite poaching, however, harbor seals are not endangered or threatened and their population has rebounded well from being historically decimated. So there is hope. The Sea Dogs' mascot is named Slugger, which is a perfectly fine name that shouldn't hurt their chances.

Finally, the New Hampshire Fisher Cats are predicted to have a surprisingly bad year. The Fisher Cats might expect success because fishers are successful in New Hampshire, especially in the southern third of the state. Fishers are not cats but are in the weasel family, same as mink and river otter, and they eat a wide variety of prey, including porcupines. It's also a common belief that fishers eat housecats. This myth was busted when researchers examined 1,000 stomachs of dead fishers and found cat hair in only one. They also found that people tend to wince when they hear about fisher guts and cat hair.

The big problem with the New Hampshire Fisher Cats is their mascot, Fungo. The team owners were excited about his name because a fungo is a type of practice bat and the name has the word "fun" in it, which prompted a PR man to say "whereever the fun goes, he will go!" According to the team's Web site, Fungo is a graduate of Fisher College, and his favorite actor is Abe Vigoda, who played "Fish" on Barney Miller. The Fisher Cats are in deep trouble.

Now all that's left to do is to enjoy the 2005 baseball season. The soon-to-be World Champion Cards will play the Houston Astros on Friday, April 22 at 7:10 p.m., and the soon-to-be neutered Sea Dogs will play the Harrisburg Senators on Friday, April 22 at 6 p.m. If you want a little more baseball in your life, go to see the movie Fever Pitch with adorable Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon falling in love in Red Sox Nation. And finally, if you want to refine your I-EM predictions, check out all of the Major League Baseball mascots at www.mlbmascots.com.