Reese Witherspoon is falsely imprisoned! Well, that's the charge she threatened to file last month against paparazzi that surrounded her car in a gym parking lot and prevented her from driving home. Unfortunately, stories like this are common in Hollywood and celebrities are constantly complaining about the "stalkerazzi" who camp outside their homes, dog them on their vacations and mob them outside the studio. The rich and famous need some help controlling these annoyingly obsessive image seekers.

When the courts offer no recourse, it's time to turn to the animal kingdom. In nature, there's no more annoyingly obsessive creature than the black fly. This time of year, swarms of black flies are chasing people from family picnics and baseball games across the Granite State. What we've learned from their behavior can teach us a lot about controlling paparazzi. Hang on, Reese, help is on the way!

First, a few words about black flies. There are about 40 different species of black flies in New Hampshire. All of them live in the water when young, then turn into winged adults to reproduce. Contrary to common perception, only a few species actually bother humans, with the worst being Simulium venustum, sometimes called the "white-stockinged" black fly (and called other names by campers, but those can't be printed here). People hate black flies because they relentlessly land and bite in the most awkward places, like behind your ears, up under the bill of your hat, or around the top of your socks. The bite is especially brutal because the female fly, seeking blood to develop her eggs, slices the skin with razor sharp mouthparts before lapping up the oozing blood. To help the blood flow, they add a bit of fly spit loaded with an anticoagulant and an anesthetic that makes the bite painless-at first. Most people are allergic to the chemical cocktail in the fly spit, which causes the itching and swelling. The typical black fly victim will have streams of blood running down his/her forehead, scaring small children on hiking trails.

Even though a black fly bite is an itchy, bloody mess, it's the incessant fly-bys that really drive people crazy. Black flies will literally fill the air around an animal. In Africa there are reports of livestock dying due to a combination of anaphylactic shock, blood loss, and asphyxiation from breathing in flies. The worst black fly attack rates on humans were documented in Ontario, where one hapless test subject attracted 78 flies per square inch of exposed skin.

Sound familiar? It does to celebrities in Hollywood's concrete jungle, too. Like the flies, photographers swarm around a celebrity from every angle, smothering them with flashes and shutter clicks. They attack the stars and suck the life out of them, leaving them sore and pissed.

So what black fly control methods will work on paparazzi? First there's the straightforward smackdown method. Even though it is a sweet revenge, swatting black flies doesn't provide good protection because as you grind one into your arm, 30 others are crawling down your shirt. There are just too many to fight off. The same is true with paparazzi. Just ask Cameron and Justin, who mixed it up with photographers last year. Even though Justin was able to bop one, the other photographers still got their shot.

Biological control is another method worth trying. Biological control is basically the use of nature against nature, like releasing ladybugs to eat aphids. A black fly's natural enemies include birds, bats, spiders and fish. Natural enemies of paparazzi are average people. Stars should just surround themselves with NASCAR fans.

An alternative to employing a black fly predator is to make the black fly sick. A effective approach is to spray Bacillus thuringiensis israelensis, a bacteria that gives black flies (and mosquitoes) a terrible stomachache. It may be a good approach against paparazzi, too. Celebrities can simply hire sick people to sneeze on photographers.

Really the best way not to get bitten by black flies is to avoid them. Black flies don't bite at night and are most abundant mid-morning and mid-afternoon. Because of their need for running water to raise their young, you should also avoid pretty, natural places in New Hampshire. Stick to outlet stores, car dealerships and Wal-Marts. Another way to avoid them is to apply a repellant like DEET (just don't apply it directly on your skin; it's a toxic chemical, after all). If you're really bugged about the bugs and must be in their habitat, you can wear long sleeves, long pants, gloves and a dorky head net. It will keep the black flies away from your skin, although you'll pay a steep fashion price. Avoidance is also the best way not to be bugged by paparazzi. That's why stars slink around town wearing sunglasses, sweat pants and big hats. Actually, if they dressed for black flies, their paparazzi worries would be over.

Ultimately we should give thanks for black flies and paparazzi. Both are signs of good times. Black flies are attracted to carbon dioxide, lactic acid and other body odors that waft off living animals. If you're being bitten by black flies, it means you're alive and enjoying the great outdoors. Similarly, if you're bothered by paparazzi, it means you're rich and famous. If a celebrity truly wanted to ditch the paparazzi, all he or she would have to do is give away everything, stop going to the gym and take a job at the local DMV.

The bottom line is that black flies and candid celebrity photos are here to stay. Photographers will always lurk behind bushes with telephoto lenses because they have a big financial incentive. According to a recent New York Times article, US Weekly paid $500,000 for the photo series of Brad and Angelina on the beach in Africa. An exclusive first picture of Britney Spears' baby could come close to a million dollars. As for black flies, they'll always bite because it's simply a matter of life or death for them. Don't blame the little critters; have some fun with them instead. The next time you're being pummeled by black flies in the woods, pull your hat down, hike up your collar and pretend you're Ben Affeck pushing through a swarm of photographers after a wild night of clubbing. It won't make the bites itch any less, but you'll at least feel glamorous.