If you have been outside recently, surely you are aware that we are in the midst of hunting season. Shots regularly echo across the landscape, and pickup trucks are parked along the road aside every woodlot. If you stop a hunter this season and ask him or her why they hunt, your answer will likely be that it’s a cultural thing, or it’s a way to get back to nature, or it simply puts meat on the table. These are all reasons touted by the NRA and other pro-hunting organizations because they make hunting sound sort of philosophical and important (see: “Hunters are cool!” marquee outside South Berwick Rod & Gun Association). However, there’s a group of hunters who shoot animals for a quite different reason. They hunt for spite. Yes, it appears that some bow hunters, jump shooters, or shot gunners simply hate the animals they pursue and think the quarry deserve what’s coming to it. This malicious hunting ethic can be clearly traced back to one pop culture mentor who influenced these television-age hunters. That person is Boris Badenov.

The self-proclaimed “World’s Greatest No-Goodnik,” Boris Badenov was the spy in the “The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle.” Weekly, Boris and his associate, Natasha Fatale, taught kids how to develop a plan to kill moose and squirrel. Using bombs, bullets, knives and elaborate traps, the spy from Pottsylvania would attempt to end the lives of the two television heroes, Rocky and Bullwinkle. During the five-year run of the show and the subsequent 30 years of syndication, Boris taught countless children that there are many reasons to eliminate moose and squirrel. Coincidently, these reasons also have a basis in some real natural history facts.

The first reason that moose deserve to be shot is that they are stupid. Bullwinkle was famous for his less-than-swift take on the world. In one episode he explains how a stereo works and says, “This is the amplifier, which amplifies the sound. And this is the preamplifier, which, of course, amplifies the pree.” These words of wisdom come from a moose who also felt qualified to work as an usher in a movie theater because he had been in the dark most of his life. Real moose are not much smarter. They are frequently hit by cars because they just can’t follow the simple “stop, look and listen” rule. Each year nearly 200 moose are killed in New Hampshire by collisions with automobiles.

A good reason to off a squirrel is that they ruin your plans. Rocket J. Squirrel, commonly referred to as Rocky, would routinely fly in and save Bullwinkle from one of Boris’s evil schemes. No matter how hard Boris tried, somehow Rocky would pull a switcheroo and the bomb would end up in Boris’s hands. Real squirrels, too, play the role of spoiler. The Granite State has four types of common squirrels: red, gray,  southern flying and northern flying. All of these creatures can ruin perfectly good plans. Just ask the power companies that spend millions of dollars to string power lines to every house, only to have a squirrel build a nest in a transformer and short out the system. Squirrels also ruin the plans of people who feed birds. Squirrels tear into bird feeders and pig out on the seeds. Frustrated bird lovers have devised a great variety of devises to keep squirrels off their feeders. One product that Boris himself would approve of is called the “Twirl-A-Squirrel.” This device spins the entire feeder when a hefty squirrel lands on the feeder, causing the rodent to get dizzy and fall off. You can almost here Boris chuckling.

Boris would also argue that moose should be eliminated because they are freaks. Bullwinkle is freaky first and foremost because he is a talking animal, but he also collects box tops, is an avid birdwatcher, and has the mark of “Rue Brittania” on his foot. He attended the Philpott School for Exceptional Children because he was the only kid with antlers. He also is a veteran who spent three years in the Army as a coat rack in the officer’s club. Real moose are also physically freaky. Moose are giant members of the deer family. They can weigh more than 1,000 pounds and stand six feet tall at the shoulder. They have an awkward appearance because their front legs are longer than their back legs, which helps them jump over fallen trees in the forest. Only the bulls grow antlers, which can weigh up to 60 pounds. Perhaps one of the most freakish things a moose does is to wallow in their own pee. During the breeding season a bull moose will paw out a depression in the earth, urinate in it, and then roll around in it. Both bulls and cows engage in this kinky behavior and it apparently gets them in the mood. Freaks.

One last reason to kill a squirrel is because they are just too damn cute. With his trademark “Hokey Smokes” and his Davey Jones good looks, Rocky was so cute that he simply instilled rage in the Ernest Borgnine-esque Boris. Real squirrels are also incredibly cute, and they know it. These smug rodents look down on their rat and mouse cousins who made the unappealing choice to have hairless tails. Both creatures are pests that cause extensive damage to our food and structures, but the squirrel’s cuteness allows it to live un-molested in our parks. Manipulative no-goodniks!

So how has the fight been going? N.H. Fish and Game’s moose project leader Kristine Bontaites reports that a total of 398 moose were harvested in 2005. The nine-day season in October was open to 522 hunters who received permits through a lottery system. More than 15,500 people applied for a permit. The gray squirrel season in New Hampshire runs from Sept. 1 to Dec. 31, so it is too early to tell how many squirrels met their maker this year.

Boris missed his chance to eliminate the moose in the mid-1800s. At that time N.H. Fish and Game reported that only 15 moose existed in the state. That’s because most of the land had been converted to farming, which is bad for moose. Once the Granite State industrialized, the fields began to go back to forest and all those young trees were perfect for moose to munch. The recovery was slow, though. It wasn’t until the 1970s that the moose population grew substantially. Today there are estimated to be about 6,500 moose in New Hampshire.

Squirrel populations fluctuate with the mast (tree seeds) cycles; however, bird feeders and suburban parks have been particularly good for them. By the way, it is illegal to shoot or bomb a squirrel in a park in New Hampshire.

To learn spite hunting from a master, check out Boris as well as Rocky, Bullwinkle and the rest of the gang at www.bullwinkle.toonzone.net. This site has video clips of the show’s opening, jazzy ending credits, and the other cool toons from the show, including Mr. Peabody and his boy Sherman and Fractured Fairy Tales. Also, the makers of Twirl-A-Squirrel have posted video footage of dizzy squirrels hitting the ground, which is rather satisfying to watch at www.ebirdseed.com/twirlasquirrel_-short.mov.