In a recent Newsweek story about Granite State megastar Bode Miller, the author likened him to a modern-day Tarzan, because he grew up in the remote mountains of New Hampshire and cultivated his super-human powers far from mainstream culture.

The article did not explore this hypothesis any further, but if Bode were like Tarzan, then one crucial element is missing: his foster parents. According to the story of Tarzan, a troupe of gorillas adopted the human infant and raised him to be King of the Jungle. So, what animal adopted Bode? Officially, he was raised by his hippie parents, Woody and Jo, but that doesn’t make much sense. Many people have hippie parents and never amounted to much. No, clearly Bode has had some special, non-human parenting. After an analysis of Bode’s traits and a review of northern forest animals, one animal appears to be the only candidate: the Bohemian waxwing.

The first bit of evidence that Bode was raised by a flock of Bohemian waxwings is their mutual connection to northern mountainous terrain. Bode grew up in the mountains, in a cabin with no running water or electricity. Known as a “mountain rat” at Cannon Mountain Ski Area, Bode lives and breathes the North Country lifestyle. Bohemian waxwings are also extreme North Country inhabitants. Unlike their more common southern cousin, the cedar waxwing, Bohemians are found in northern boreal forests, breeding in Alaska and western Canada. During the winter they amble southward and eastward, in search of berries and fruits (they are fruitivorous). They go as far south as the northern and central Rocky Mountains, and of course, northern New England. This year they’ve been spotted several times in New Hampshire, most recently on Jan. 7, when 250 of them were seen near Grafton Hall on the Plymouth State University campus.

The similarities between Bode and waxwings continue with their personalities. Both are fearless free wheelers, following their own minds. Bohemian waxwings were given that name because they swirl from tree to tree, gobbling berries and generally having a good time. They are not constricted by breeding territories or strict migration routes. They follow their hearts and the promise of ripening fruit. During feeding sessions they’re quite tame, fearlessly standing their ground when humans approach. Bode, too, is a free thinker who follows his instincts, like leaning back on his skis when everyone else says it’s suicidal or challenging the logic of drug testing. He is an innovator and truly an artist in the world of downhill skiing. Also, he fearlessly stands his ground when U.S. Ski Team officials approach. 

Bode and waxwings actually look alike. Waxwing plumage is colorful and surprisingly smooth looking, like Bode’s body suits. The birds have a black mask and a tuft on their heads that resembles an aerodynamic helmet. The name waxwing refers to the red wax-like “drops” (actually flattened feather shafts) that protrude from the wings. Their purpose is unknown; however, they look wicked cool. Bode too has a sleek outfit that he has developed over the years with clothing and equipment designers. He’s been instrumental in the development of specialized boots, skis, helmets, and goggles that blend together perfectly.

Flying is, of course, their most obvious commonality. During a race, Bode can reach 80 mph. Waxwings can only muster around 30 mph, but the way they whorl and swoosh from tree to tree is magical to watch. When in flight, both Bode and the Bohemians are clearly in their element.

The final bit of evidence that Bode was raised by Bohemian waxwings is that they both have an affinity for the hooch. By now, we all know that Bode noted during a 60 Minutes sting operation, also referred to as an interview by CBS, that he had skied in “really tough shape” at the start of a race last season and compared it to driving drunk. When questioned about the remark, Bode said that he meant he had a hangover, but CBS choose to assume the worst because hangovers don’t improve ratings much. Waxwings, too, have been known to fly under the influence. Waxwings seem to be affected by eating fermented fruit during their foraging. It makes sense that they consume spiked berries because alcohol is a great source of energy (sugar) and it’s pretty cool to fly with a buzz. Cedar waxwings seem especially vulnerable to alcohol poisoning, according to the Cornell Lab of Ornithology Web site. There are many accounts of hammered cedar waxwings stumbling around after hitting a particularly ripe bunch of berries. Sadly, they’re not immune to alcohol’s hazards. An article from 1932 reported 42 birds, from a flock of 200, dropping dead after eating fermented palm fruits. In a separate study, two cedar waxwings were autopsied after they keeled over from doing hawthorn berry shots; their livers showed elevated levels of ethanol. Like most Bohemians, the Bohemian waxwing appears to be more accustom to getting high. Any accounts of Bohemian waxwings getting falling-down drunk are purely anecdotal, but they certainly enjoy a nip to take the edge off.

Some bitter poet somewhere once noted that we destroy the things we love. It seems that Bode’s down-to-earth, charismatic, counterculture outlook is just too appealing to let live. The establishment (sponsors, U.S. Ski Team, International Ski Federation, nosey public) wants only parts of Bode. They want to cage him and pull out his spirit, the thing that defines him. This is not only a shame, but a sure-fire way to kill him. It is like putting a Bohemian waxwing in a cage, and it’s just a sin. If we love him, let him go. Fly, Bode, fly!