Did you see David Blaine’s latest stunt? In case you haven’t been paying attention, he submerged himself in an 8-foot sphere of salt water in New York’s Lincoln Center for seven days, and then was bound with chains underwater just before attempting to break the world breath-holding record (note to Blaine: break records before enduring marathon torture sessions). Not only did he fail to break the record, he was pulled convulsing from the tank and was rushed to the hospital. Doctors have not determined if he suffered brain damage, as they are not sure how sound his mind was before the stunt.

David Blaine is the latest in a long line of illusionists who emerge to fulfill every generation’s apparent pop cultural need for a magician. Blaine, the “Hip-Hop Houdini,” has a cool, metrosexual look that is perfect for our aspiring 21st-century society. In the smart-ass 1990s, when people got cocky from making Internet fortunes, the smart-ass duo Penn and Teller fit the bill. In the 1980s, David Copperfield employed a Duran Duran-like look and attitude to make the Statue of Liberty disappear. In the 1970s, we had Doug Henning, the buck-toothed disco flower child who hosted NBC’s yearly “Doug Henning’s World of Magic.” While most of us are amazed by these men of magic, there is one creature among us who remains unimpressed: the seemingly unimpressive earthworm. But as all great illusionists know, appearances are usually deceiving. All 2,200 species of earthworms actually have amazing attributes that would out-do even the best magicians. For example, the Great Houdini was famous for his ability to wiggle out of a straightjacket and twist his body free of chains. While his tricks may have seemed impressive, Harry had something holding him back: bones. If Houdini had had the lithe invertebrate body of an earthworm, no restraint could have held him. An earthworm is really little more than a tube of skin and muscle, divided into about 150 segments. The segments are highly elastic, making it the Stretch Armstrong of the animal world.

Worms also have the impressive ability to breathe through their skin. This is why they would thumb their noses at David Blaine (if they had thumbs or noses). A worm submerged in oxygen rich water can happily survive for weeks, contrary to the popular belief that worms drown easily. Most people believe this myth because so many pale pink worm corpses end up in rain puddles. The real reason worms die in puddles is because puddles warm quickly in the sun and lose oxygen, thus killing the worms.

Like most showpeople, magicians seem to be pretty comfortable with their sexuality, and there have surely been some bisexual magicians through the ages. While Doug Henning seems an obvious example, in reality, magicians from any era can come across as a bit gay. It could be the costumes or the fabulously confident “ta-da” poses—it’s even rumored that David Copperfield once seduced himself during an especially steamy rehearsal. Like many magicians, earthworms, too, could go either way, and they have the hardware to do it. Worms are hermaphroditic, having both male and female reproductive organs. They cannot reproduce with themselves, but when they hook up, they do it in a yin-yang type setup, female parts in the front on segment 14 and male parts on segment 26. You can see these joinings if you go out on rainy spring nights, but please don’t stare.

Penn and Teller would enjoy having this next earthworm trick to include in their shocking, often gory shows (P&T shows have many “Carrie” moments). As long as an earthworm is cut somewhere between the middle and end, it can grow a new tail. Penn would likely dump Teller for a partner whom he could actually cut in half. (By the way, it’s a myth that two complete earthworms can grow from each half of a severed earthworm. Many invertebrates can do this, but worms cannot.)

In 1986, David Copperfield walked through the Great Wall of China during one of his television specials. Again, earthworms would be unimpressed, as they actually do this type of trick all the time. Worms can eat their way right through solid ground by simply opening their mouths and pushing the soil through to the other end, adding enzymes along the way to digest the good parts. What they leave behind is called worm castes, rich in nitrogen, phosphorus and other things that make your garden grow.

Most of aforementioned magicians were born in the United States, including Blaine, Copperfield, Penn and Teller. Henning was a Canadian and Houdini was born in Hungary. Most earthworms, on the other hand, are actually illegal immigrants. The common nightcrawler (Lumbricus terrestris) was introduced from Europe, likely in root balls of plants brought by the earliest settlers, and later spread around by the fishing bait industry. These new Euro-worms displaced native earthworms and invaded areas where earthworms did not formerly exist (pretty much any place that was covered in glaciers during the last ice age, like New Hampshire). In fact, European and some Asian earthworms colonizing northern forests are radically changing the ecology in some areas and threaten certain plant species, such as Solomon’s seal and bloodroot. Forest soils that have been invaded by earthworms are devoid of the healthy, spongy layer of leaves on the ground. In a forest infested with earthworms, only the beech and oak leaves will be seen on the forest floor through most of the year. The earthworms quickly eat all of the maple, basswood, dogwood and ash leaves that fall to the ground.

Ironically, in some parts of England, the nightcrawler is endangered by a New Zealand flatworm. Et tu, Worme?
Worms are hard at work right now. In the spring, when the soil is moist and the nights are cool, many earthworm species are out and about looking for love or new digs. If you go searching for earthworms, look on lawns, but take a dim red light. Even though earthworms don’t have eyes, they do have light-sensing cells that react to strong light. And tread lightly because they can feel you coming and will disappear in the blink of an eye down into their burrows.

Earthworms may be your best bet for a good magic show these days. David Blaine has not decided what his next stunt will be, but it will surely be painful. David Copperfield is currently in Texas on his “An Intimate Evening of Grand Illusion” tour that is likely to have an equally painful score by Styx. And Doug Henning died in 2000. If he makes a comeback, that would be the trick to see.