by William Monahan
223 pages, Riverhead Books

We know, we know—Tome Raider is supposed to be about old books, and “Light House” was written in 2000. While seven years may not seem like a long time (unless you’re referring to milk or hamsters), if you’ve never encountered “Light House” before, you’ve gone seven years too long without reading the funniest book ever. William Monahan, who recently picked up an Oscar for Best Screenplay for “The Departed,” has written a perverse and hilariously disturbing novel.

Think “Fawlty Towers” meets “Scarface.”

Tim Picasso is an amazingly talented art student, but too uncompromising to make it in the commercial art world. So, to make a little money, he takes a job in Florida running drugs for Jesus Castro, a Shakespear-quoting Spanish gangster. Tim’s dally with crime is brief, and he soon decides instead to steal a huge amount of money from Jesus and take off for New England to hide out.

Tim winds up at the Admiral Benbow Inn, off the coast of Massachusetts, where he encounters a slew of strange characters. There’s George, the owner, an aspiring writer who is preparing to host a weekend writing seminar, and his sexpot wife, Magdalene, who has come to hate both house and husband.

“Magdalene looked up, winsomely, as if she had expected someone else—saw George—and then, still smiling, resisted a dazzling impulse to kill her husband with a hatchet.”

Another character, Mr. Glowery, is a writer from New York who makes his way to the inn for the weekend. He’s grumpy, paranoid and completely unable to understand people with Massachusetts accents.

“‘You have a cah?’ asked Archy.
‘No, I’m not even Egyptian.’”

Also at the inn is Professor Eggman, who is slipping into madness. He’s there to lead the conference, but his dementia worsens as he begins teaching.

“He went to the chalkboard and wrote one of his truisms:
‘CHARACTERS ARE EITHER GOOD OR EVIL.’
Then, as if someone had grabbed his hand, he wrote:
‘I AM LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD AND I AM A MATERIAL GIRL.’
‘Disregard this,’ said Professor Eggman stentoriously.”
 
Then, there’s Mr. Briscoe, the octogenarian lighthouse keeper who resides just off the shore by the inn. At the age of 80, he’s decided that he wants to live it up and has taken to wearing women’s pumps. “He wasn’t sure if he’d really wanted to have a homosexual experience, but he regretted not having had one to know if he had actually wanted one or not.” He spends the weekend drunk, wandering the island, awaiting an approaching hurricane.

Yes, there’s a hurricane coming. But that’s not the only thing on the way. Jesus Castro has found out where Tim is hiding and appears at the inn with his goons just before the storm strikes. Now, all these crazies are trapped in the house together, trying to survive the weather and each other. Jesus is trying to get his hands on Tim, Mr. Briscoe is trying to get his hands on Jesus’s henchmen, Tim and Magdalene have their hands all over one another. Oh, and did we mention the dominatrix that Jesus hired to pass the time?

The words “hilarity ensues” are practically audible.

It sounds like an X-rated Marx Brothers film. Some of the material is so inane, it’s amazing it works in book form, but Monahan pulls it off with ease. You read along, thinking, “Where does the guy come up with this stuff?!” Other than the fact that this book is not for people who are easily offended, there are no serious flaws in “Light House.” If there are, you’re too busy laughing out loud to notice. William Monahan has not written another book since, and it’s easy to see why. When you’ve already written the funniest book in existence, there’s nowhere to go but down.

“Light House” is no longer available in print, but can be acquired easily by most area bookstores.