(available in bulk at healthy-food stores near you)

O toasted corn! How have we lived so long and never known your delights? Salty, corny, delicious, how can we eat just one double-fistful? How can we stop at one scooper’s worth? One bin? Nay, we cannot!

Be warned, though: although toasted corn is made of all-natural ingredients like corn and salt, we can’t say for sure that it is good for you, because it is also the loudest snack we have ever encountered! We are not kidding when we say that when we chew toasted corn, we cannot hear ourselves think—seriously, we at the Small Foods Laboratory have frequently had to stop chewing our toasted corn in order to finish a thought. The detonation from each crunch goes directly into the skull and is then broadcast both up into the brain and out into the open air, causing passers-by to stop and stare, wondering, perhaps, why you would put firecrackers in your mouth.

They just don’t know what they’re missing.