In marketing, consistency is very important—so if you’re going to have a  black-cherry-French-vanilla-diet-cola called “Jazz,” then the label should accurately reflect the confusion and nausea that these words elicit. Pepsi’s “jazz” label does just that, depicting a torrent of brown effluent cascading into a foamy cesspool full of red cherries, all topped with a tacky purple ribbon swirling across the front and the double logo of “Diet Pepsi” and “Jazz” puzzlingly intermingled.

Not surprisingly, it tastes kind of like a Cherry Coke and a cream soda mixed. It’s not bad, but really, shouldn’t we all just stop drinking soda already? It’s such a scam.

We can’t look at it without thinking of the episode of “Sealab 2021” in which Captain Murphy spent the entire show trapped under a fallen soda machine full of jazz-themed sodas with names like “Fizzie Gillespie” and “Mingus Dew.” And that, at least, makes us smile.

Ahh, scorpions!