Jewel Productions, 1988
starring: Jessica Dublin, John MacKay, James Hogue and Katell Pleven
directed by: Brian Thomas Jones

the plot: Dr. Gregory Ashton (MacKay) is on the verge of developing a revolutionary drug that not only stops but reverses the aging process. This is good news for Ruth Warren (Dublin), an aging Hollywood screen queen who has funded much of Ashton’s research. But as Ashton grows closer to a breakthrough, Ruth becomes more impatient and forces him to inject her with an unstable version of the serum. Ashton’s assistant, Stella (Pleven), objects, but Ashton goes ahead with the experiment anyway. The results are promising at first, as Ruth becomes two decades younger. But, without warning, she soon turns into a vicious, mutated monster. Ashton tries to produce more serum to stabilize her, but finds difficulty in obtaining the drug’s necessary ingredient: human brains. Ruth’s faithful butler, Wilhelm (Hogue), tries to help her, but he can only watch helplessly as she becomes a murderous beast with an insatiable craving for brain matter.

why it’s good: A cross between “Re-Animator” and “Sunset Boulevard,” “The Rejuvenator” is a hybrid abomination worthy of Dr. Moreau. It’s bad, but in a bland, unnoticeable sort of way, so that you’re neither laughing at the movie or with it, but instead wondering how the film happened in the first place. Someone must have wanted this movie to get made, but it certainly wasn’t the actors, all of whom deliver their lines with the sort of skill and conviction that makes even the worst high school production look like a Tony-winning performance. It definitely wasn’t John MacKay and James Hogue, the movie’s two highly unattractive leading men, both of whom are sporting serious skullets (like a mullet, but with folically-challenged front). It may have been director Brian Thomas Jones—this was his first movie, and as a director, he’s not that bad. Maybe even Ed French and Dan Frye, the make-up and effects crew, lobbied hard for “The Rejuvenator,” since the special effects are actually pretty good—gross and disgusting with a slimy, organic look that wouldn’t be out of place in a Cronenberg movie. But the final product is so awful that no one comes out of “The Rejuvenator” looking all that great. Except, that is, for the Poison Dollys, an all-girl hair metal band that hijacks the movie for a full 10 minutes. They strut, pout, pose, shimmy and shake for what amounts to an unbearably long music video in the middle of “The Rejuvenator” and claim the crucial song at the end of the credits as their own.  Though the movie itself is consigned to the dusty video store shelves of horror movie history, a clip of the Dollys’ performance in “The Rejuvenator’ is proudly displayed on their MySpace page. Remember, every time you watch “The Rejuvenator,” an angel gets its wings … and a Dolly gets to shred on her guitar.

why you should own it: “The Rejuvenator” has yet to inspire a devoted cult following, which is probably why it’s not available on DVD. Used VHS copies are lurking out there somewhere, but “The Rejuvenator” is for only the most masochistic schlock-cinema fans.