starring: Brian Robbins, Bill Calvert, Robert Vaughn and Gerrit Graham
directed by: David Irving

the plot: Following the disastrous results of the C.H.U.D. program—in which toxic chemicals turned homeless people in New York into cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers (also known as C.H.U.D.s)—the government has decided to cut all funding for the experiment. This doesn’t sit well with Col. Masters (Vaughn), who believes the C.H.U.D.s hold the secret to creating an army of super-soldiers. Masters orders the one remaining C.H.U.D.—formerly an Army grunt named Bud (Graham)—to be kept on ice at a nearby military hospital. Masters’ plan goes awry when two local teenagers, Steve (Robbins) and Kevin (Calvert), confiscate the C.H.U.D. corpse so they can replace a cadaver they lost during a school biology experiment. Steve and Kevin accidentally revive Bud, and the hungry C.H.U.D. shambles off into town, chomping on hapless victims and turning them into C.H.U.D.s themselves. Masters manages to track down the boys and calls in a military team to retrieve the monsters, but it’s too late—an army of C.H.U.D.s has overtaken the town and their next stop is the local high school’s Halloween dance.

why it’s good: The original “C.H.U.D.” is an awesome monster flick with a great 1980s soundtrack and some cool-looking beasties. “C.H.U.D. II,” however, is none of those things. Instead of snarling C.H.U.D.s with huge pointy teeth and glowing eyes, we get a handful of people in weak-ass zombie makeup shambling about and doing light slapstick routines when they’re not biting people. Biting is the operative word here, as the C.H.U.D.s this time around don’t so much eat their victims as just give them a little hickey, which is apparently enough to turn someone into a zombie. Most egregious is that there’s no real difference between regular humans and C.H.U.Ds, apart from some pale skin and a half-hearted craving for human flesh. Meanwhile, the non-C.H.U.D cast members stumble about just as dumbly as the monsters, with Robbins and Calvert proving to be the most incompetent horror heroes ever. When your lead character is the greaser dude from the sitcom “Head of the Class,” your movie is definitely in trouble, and pointless cameos from classic TV stars Larry Linville, June Lockhart  and Norman Fell (all of whom are turned into C.H.U.D.s after about 10 seconds on screen) makes “C.H.U.D. II” seem even more pedestrian. Robert Vaughn gets a few good lines, but he’s mostly relegated to insane shouts and bizarre facial expressions. And, of course, there’s Bud himself, who looks more like a really pasty extra from “The Sopranos” than any sort of flesh eating monster. At first a horrifying creature, Bud turns out to be sort of a sympathetic anti-hero at the end, while the “good guys” wind up looking like jerks. To further cement its terribleness, “C.H.U.D. II” even has its own theme song, a piece of ’80s rock trash called “Bud the C.H.U.D.” Listen to it once and your brain will hate you forever.

why you should own it: Mercifully, “C.H.U.D. II” is not available on DVD in the U.S., so the odds of accidentally watching it are slim. “C.H.U.D. II” should probably be avoided, unless you desperately want to waste 90 minutes of your life.