'Evil Alien Conquerors'
Nada Pictures, 2002

starring: Michael Weston, Chris Parnell, Diedrich Bader and Tyler Labine
written and directed by: Chris Matheson

the plot: My-ik (Bader) and Du-ug (Parnell), aliens from the planet Kabijj, are sent to Earth with orders to conquer by beheading every man woman and child. The problem: they’ve got no weapons, no skills, are hopelessly inept, and they’ve only got two days to complete their mission. If they fail, the 100-foot-tall giant Croker (Labine) will teleport to Earth and kill them. That’s not to say things are all bad. My-ik and Du-ug meet Kenny (Weston), an affable slacker who half-heartedly assists them and gets them hooked on Smirnoff Ice. The two intergalactic buffoons also fall in love with Penny and Jan, a pair of sisters who run a dry cleaning business and sport uni-brows and seriously hairy feet. After disastrous confrontations with a cow, some neighborhood bullies and Kenny’s egotistical roommate, My-ik and Du-ug realize that, though they can’t complete their mission, they might be able to stop Croker.

why it’s good: “Conquerors” is very good—if, of course, by “good” you mean “bad.” It’s a stunningly effective exercise in stupidity that will test the average viewer’s limit for unrestrained jackassery and nonsense. That’s not to say it’s not funny as all get-out, though—Bader and Parnell’s characters are supremely silly, and they do a good job with the bizarre gestures and turns of phrase that make up their alien culture. It’s a good thing, too, as “Conquerors” is ultra-low budget—so much so that most of the shots in the film feature Parnell and Bader awkwardly talking with other characters. But the real star of the film is Labine, who plays the balding, bearded Croker. When Croker appears during the film’s final 20 minutes, he brings with him a sort of unrestrained absurdity that only comes and goes throughout the rest of the film. Like most awesomely dumb comedies, “Conquerors” is eminently quotable. Even if you don’t like the movie, you’ll be hard-pressed to stop shouting “Play the Supertramp!” for days afterwards.

why you should own it: You don’t really need to own “Conquerors,” but you should rent it if you want a silly movie to while away a few hours. There’s not much in the way of extras on the DVD, so drink plenty of Smirnoff Ice while watching and provide your own commentary track.