rated R

There is a cardinal rule at play in “My Bloody Valentine 3-D” that movie studios should remember, and it is this: 3-D gore and explosions are always cool. “Valentine” is a gimmick movie where the gimmick is more fun, and better executed, than the movie itself, and it’s for this reason alone that “Valentine” is worth seeing. It’s a love letter to two bygone eras of movies. As a descendant of the novelty flicks of the 1950s and ’60s, it’s great fun; as a retread of the worst clichés of the slasher genre of the 1980s, it’s fairly awful. Luckily for “Valentine,” it’s the experience that matters most. 

“Valentine” is a remake of a 1981 Canadian slasher film of the same name, and, as far as remakes go, the added dimension, complete with popped-out eyeballs and giant bursts of flame, is what makes it so watchable. That “Valentine” is a complete throwback to early-’80s horror fare is not necessarily a good thing. After all, most of the “Halloween” and “Friday the 13th” clones that flooded theaters and video stores back then were atrocious.

What “Valentine” does have going for it is some awesome 3-D effects. Everything from pick axes to jawbones fly off the screen—there’s even some 3-D newspaper headlines during the opening credits. As far as giddy thrills go, “Valentine” is up there, and the novelty of seeing even the most mundane stuff show up in 3-D—from scampering dogs and parking cars to flashlight beams and blades of grass—doesn’t wear off. Lest the audience ever get bored, director Patrick Lussier fills the movie with novelty to spare. There’s some 3-D full-frontal nudity, quickly followed by a scene involving a busty little person, the aforementioned pick axe and a light fixture. This sequence alone almost justifies the whole movie.

The plot, such as it is, is about as one-dimensional as you can get. Ten years after miner Harry Warden slaughtered 22 people on Valentine’s Day, the people of the small mining town of Harmony are still struggling to move on. Tom Hanninger (Jensen Ackles), one of the four survivors of that massacre and, after his father’s death, owner of the fateful mine, returns to town with the intent of closing the mine once and for all. In between, he stalks his teenage sweetheart Sarah (Jamie King), who ran away and left Tom to face Harry Warden alone a decade earlier.

Tom’s arrival coincides with another string of gruesome pick axe murders, and the town sheriff (and Sarah’s husband) Axel (Kerr Smith) thinks Tom is behind the killings. Tom, meanwhile, insists Harry Warden has returned for one more round of mass murder.

Of course, the 3-D effects are more interesting than any of the action or characters here. The script, by Todd Farmer and Zane Smith, does give everyone plenty of embarrassing dialogue, though. Sheriff Axel, fearing that Sarah may be thinking of hooking up with Tom again, loudly informs everyone (in the emergency room, no less) that he not only sleeps with her every night, but also has sex with her quite often. Good thing we got that cleared up.

With writing of that caliber, don’t expect anything clever like a twist ending. Or any good scares, for that matter. “Valentine” is full of anti-suspense, with all the potential shocks and jump-scares telegraphed far in advance in order to set up those cool 3-D shots. The question isn’t whether someone will get an unexpected pick axe in the head, but what sort of biological material will fly off the screen after the axe hits. Will it be some brain matter? Or maybe a spray of blood? Only the psycho-killer in the mining gear knows for sure.

The experience of watching mayhem and bloodshed in 3-D with a good-natured audience all wearing goofy 3-D glasses makes “Valentine” worth checking out. Those thrills may be too much a limitation, though. Off the big screen and without the aid of 3-D, “Valentine” will most likely end up an incomprehensible mess devoid of substance—a lot like a discarded love letter from a long forgotten romance.