For years, terms like “consumerist holiday” and “bah humbug” have been flung at Christmas like monkey detritus, besmearing the holiday’s shimmering, tinsel-draped spirit. This year, even Father Christmas himself has come under attack, accused of using offensive language every time he rears back for a good belly laugh.

A number of media outlets have reported, with a mix of horror and fascination, that Santas across Australia and some parts of the United States have been advised to veer away from their traditional “ho ho ho” greeting because it is offensive to women and frightens some children. The jolly laughter sounds too close to the American slang word for prostitute, argue representatives from Westaff, an international supplier of Santas. Therefore, the famous elf is advised to instead bellow “ha ha ha.”

In Cairns, northern Australia, a Santa even reports that he was fired from a shop for singing “Jingle Bells” and saying “ho ho ho.”

It sounds like political correctness gone terribly awry. How can Santa’s traditional greeting, universally recognized by children across generations, be twisted and maimed with such haphazard abandon? I mean, were people complaining? Were studies conducted to assess the impact of Santa’s laughter on children? Were his hearty greetings attracting confused call-girls to shopping malls in Sydney?

In any case, Santa’s helpers on the Seacoast are not giving up their “hos” without a fight.

“I think it’s baloney. I think they should leave it alone,” said Mike Brown, who plays Santa Claus at the Lilac Mall in Rochester.

After four years of donning the red suit and white beard, Brown said he has never come across a single child who was frightened by his laughter, nor has he ever received a complaint from a parent. As he sits in his temporary workshop at the mall on Milton Road, he attempts to reincarnate the same joyful image of Christmas that he fondly remembers from his own childhood.  

Bob Mathieu, who sits in Santa’s chair at Fox Run Mall in Newington, feels the same way. Asked whether he has been saying “ho” or “ha,” this year, he solemnly, unsmilingly answered, “ho ho ho.” The 76-year-old has heard about the situation in Australia, he said, and he doesn’t like it one bit.

Surrounded by giant candy canes and glittery ornaments, the kids at Fox Run did not seem at all frightened. Four-year-old Olivia Curcio, of Kittery, Maine, liked Santa so much that she came back for a second visit after sitting on his knee earlier in the day.

During a post-Santa interview, young Curcio showed no sign of psychological trauma.

“Did you like visiting Santa?”

“Yes.”

“Was he nice and friendly?”

“Yes.”

“Do you ever get scared of Santa?”

“No.”

Elaborating on her conversation with the big man, Olivia said she requested a candy cane for Christmas. Not a Sony PlayStation or an HD TV—just a candy cane. Santa responded with a request of his own.

“He told me to bring out some chocolate milk and cookies and some carrots,” Olivia said.

Is that a demand? A threat? “Bring me milk and cookies or else!” And why carrots? We all know Santa doesn’t eat vegetables.

“For the reindeer,” Olivia explained.

Ah, yes. The reindeer. Of course. Santa’s got an answer for everything, doesn’t he?

But he forgot about surveillance cameras!

Yes, a man initially reported to be sporting a white beard and a “festive holiday hat” entered a bank in Londonderry on Tuesday, Dec. 11, and demanded money. Although no one was hurt and it is unclear whether the suspect was armed, the mysterious culprit made off with an undisclosed amount of cash.

Police later amended their initial report to indicate that the robber was wearing a scarf, not a beard, and that his hat, though adorned with a puffy white ball at its tip, was blue, not red. Also, the hat said “Red Sox” on it. But those details came out only after the Union Leader had printed a story headlined “‘Santa Claus’ robs Londonderry Bank.” The damage to Santa’s reputation may be irreparable. (The Union Leader ran a story the following day titled “Santa cleared in Londonderry bank heist.”)

Last year, The Wire reported that Maine’s Bureau of Liquor Enforcement banned a beer called “Santa’s Butt Porter” because its label included “undignified or improper illustrations.” The illustration in question showed Santa sitting on a beer barrel and checking his list while holding a frothy mug of brew in his pudgy fist. Apparently, Father Christmas’ adversaries want him labeled as a pervert, a criminal and a drunkard.

The future looks grim. If Santa continues his late-night escapades on Christmas Eve, he could face thousands of felony charges for breaking and entering (you know, through the chimney). In some cases, vicious prosecutors might even elevate the charge to burglary, citing the theft of milk and cookies. And let’s not forget about animal cruelty. Is it really ethical to strap a bunch of reindeer to a sled and make them pull a big fat man all around the globe once a year?

With charges mounting, Santa could face a lengthy extradition process from the North Pole. He’s left evidence of his crimes everywhere, and millions of children will testify to hearing his reindeer’s hooves on their rooftops. Plus, he looks like a freak, and judges don’t go easy on freaks who yell, “ho ho ho.”

But, maybe its all for the best. Global warming will probably lay waste to Santa’s homeland within the next five years, sending all his worker elves to the bottom of the Arctic Ocean. Even a prison cell is better than that. 

Either way, maybe it’s time for reform. Maybe jolly ole Saint Nick should lay off the cookies and shed a few pounds so he doesn’t offend overweight people. Perhaps he should dye his beard, so as not to make a mockery of the elderly. And maybe he should stop saying “Merry Christmas,” since that excludes billions of people who don’t celebrate Christian holidays. To be safe, Santa should be thin, clean-shaven, colorless, expressionless and mute. He should not drink beer, and he should definitely not sneak into people’s houses in the middle of the night. Santa should look and act like a marine. 

But, for those diehard conservatives who insist on sticking to tradition, take solace in the fact that thousands upon thousands of children armed with innocence and fairytale faith—like little Olivia Curcio—are keeping the Christmas spirit alive, no matter how hard us grownups try to muck it up for them.