In an unpresidented move, George W. Bush admitted failure in an unofficial conversation with an anonymous acquaintance who agreed to communicate on the condition that he/she is referred to as an unknown source. (Disclaimer: Excerpts from this interview appear courtesy of a leaky blogger, so no one is responsible for its content. Staff writer Larry Clow has been pre-selected to serve jail-time to protect sources, if necessary.)

Mr. President, you are known for being tough—tough on terrorists, on environmentalists, on New Orleans. Isn’t it best to ignore or deny failure?
We are achieving victory in Iraq despite alarmists, anti-freedomists, anti-tax-cutists, Saddamists, insurgents, rejectionists, and Michael-Moore-ists. From our earliest days, brave American settlers, the ancestors of Jack LaLane and Charlton Heston, maintained height-weight proportion by staying the course against descendents of the prehistoric invaders, who crossed the Bering Strait from lands that would give rise to the evils of communism, to stand in the way of our Manifest Destiny. The American people are a great people, but they are a fat people. We have yet to defeat dangerous, ugly fat.

Why are we losing the War on Fat?
I have heard the cries of health insurance companies over the high cost of keeping Americans fat and happy. I have flown across this great nation between my ranch and the White House many, many times in the majestic Air Force One. And Lo, I have beheld lots of stuff, like cities wiped out by floods. Once I even saw a pigeon get sucked into one of the engines. And I have seen the suburbs of the overweight—thick people in thickly settled communities. We must all sensibly diet and exercise to defend freedom.

Isn’t freedom about eating whatever quantities, whenever you want? Doesn’t McDonald’s mean “have it your way”?
That’s Burger King. I believe McDonald’s has sold billions of hamburgers across the land and has fed our allies in the War Against Terror. But I also believe this includes millions of unnecessary helpings. This must be stopped for the good of all non-evil nations.

Fast food seems to be on the front lines of both the War on Fat and the War on Terror. When a McDonald’s was built in Mecca in the 1990s, I bet Osama was ticked off. By the way, why aren’t we at war with Saudi Arabia if he and most of the hijackers were Saudi—we’re not  fighting their civil war for them, are we?
Saudi Arabia produces oil, which creates industry, democracy and freedom outside Saudi Arabia. God wanted me to be president and He told me to take out Saddam.

Speaking of takeout, if an obese family drives up to a fast food window in an American-made gas-guzzler with yellow Support the Troops magnets all over it, and orders super-sized meals, how can one patriot refuse another?
We need deprive only those who oppose both the war and the troops, or who support the war but oppose the troops.

Karl Rove is a chubster, and Dick Cheney is portly. How can they effectively fight fat?
They can’t all be like Rummy—“Heavens, dessert? Oh, my goodness, no!” But propaganda and oil experts are vital to the War for Natural Resources, or First-World-First Economics, to the promotion of unfair and unbalanced news, and to the Armageddon sin-now, pray-later program.

Who will be held accountable for the popularity of extra large clothing—The Fat Boys, Anna Nicole Smith or Vin Diesel, star of Triple X?
 In demonstrating cannibalism, Jeffrey Dahmer gave succor to our skinny enemies. But Kris Kross glorified the dangerous ideology of Fat as Phat in their Satanic act of wearing giant pants backwards. They shall be smoked out of their holes and held in a secret prison which does not exist—which they cannot jump out of.

That time you gave Laura a little spank right before she was about to address a televised audience, were you demonstrating for us fattys that she is thick in the right places, or was that just something a cheerleader would do at a pep rally?
No.

Since your salad days as a party animal, have you ever made a searching and fearless inventory of yourself, or promptly admitted you were wrong?
When I accepted Jesus into my life I turned my will and my life over to His Dad, so you’ll have to ask Him. Gotta warn you, though—He does a heck of a job keeping secrets! (heh-heh)