"I'd like a chili-dog, please, it's urgent."

"I ordered two ham sandwiches, not four."

"Can I substitute a beer for the salad that comes with my entr??e?"

"There's no toilet paper in the ladies room."

We've all overheard these kinds of questions at restaurants, perhaps we've asked them ourselves. How fascinating, then, to hear how Kelly Kouralis, cook and server at the Friendly Toast, feels.

Have you ever been interviewed before?

No, there's always been some kind of technical problem. Once I took a bus to go to an Amnesty International meeting, and it dropped me off in the wrong place.

So you've done very little for international human rights?

So far, yes.

Do you wear your glasses while you cook?

I do. That may be why I screw up the Huevos; sometimes I get guacamole on my glasses and can't see the timer.

Has anyone ever ordered a chili-dog with bacon?

Not that I know of, but people always ask for kids' cheese dogs-hot dogs pumped with cheese.

How is that different from stuffed haddock?

I imagine stuffing haddock would be somewhat of a delicate process. Cheese-pumped hot dogs are like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Would Condoleezza Rice get poor service here because of her mullet?

Her mullet would be evaluated by the staff, and her food prepared accordingly.

If Hillary Clinton walked in here and fainted, what would you do?

We don't have smelling salts, but my sneakers would probably wake her up. Saving her would be good press for the Friendly Toast.

So you're always looking at the business angle?

Absolutely.

How concerned are you that Splenda, the low-fat sweetener, may not be so safe?

I'm horrified. I watched my friend put nine packets in his English Breakfast Tea yesterday.

Will your faith in marriage survive Brad and Jen? What about your customers?

I don't have any faith in marriage; I'm from a broken home. People eat a lot when they're tense, so there's probably a correlation there.

Is environmentalism for losers?

Well, I kind of consider myself an environmentalist, and I kind of consider myself a loser. It's like there are people who think they're cool, so then the environmentalists must be losers.

How would you define a loser?

Someone who's cool. We live in a backwards world.

If you heard J.Lo was dating Chuck Norris how would you feel?

I'd feel good, happy for Chuck.

And for J.Lo?

Chuck Norris: satisfaction guaranteed!

Is acid-reflux disease contagious?

Jeez, I hope not. I've been wondering if halitosis is, though.

Do you own a George Foreman grill?

No, I'm a vegetarian.

You can grill vegetables.

I'm picturing grilled asparagus, and a whole new world is opening up to me.

Do you think creationism should be taught in schools?

It should be taught as Bible theory, but not as fact. Kids should at least know about it.

How do you feel about evolution?

It's sort of a relief to see how people come from apes. It's easier to accept something when you can see its origins.

If Abe Lincoln were alive today, would he frequent the Friendly Toast?

I get the feeling he'd be able to relate to us-the employees, the atmosphere, the clientele. He'd get excited about the food.