A few years ago at The Music Hall, scruffy young hippies as well as normal people readied themselves to joyfully gyrate to the lovely music of Michelle Shocked, who quickly disappointed, turning from singing to blaming the audience—mostly for being white. Shocked both too much and not enough, the gentle hippies retreated to their lairs in the strawberry fields and vegan streams of Cow Hampshire. Rowdier Caucasians went on benders in Manchvegas, or angrily cancelled their subscriptions to Mother Jones. Others went into banking. However drug-induced, Michelle’s accusation lingers in the air like old mayonnaise: Do white people suck? In search of some kind of answer to this and other vague queries, we turn to the (ever-bleepable) Rick Johnson, head cook at the Stockpot in Portsmouth.

How is racism different in the North versus the South?
In the South they’ll tell you. In the North, they whisper. I’ve worked with some skinheads here. They don’t realize I’m from the city.

What is your opinion of Condoleezza Rice?
Who, the black lady in the White House? High-class lies… She’s sexy, though. Judge Hatchet is fine, too. I’d like to [bleep]…

If the world is going to hell in a hand basket, who do you blame?
Three-piece-suits. Look at those Save the Children ads—why doesn’t their government take care of them?

What’s your favorite thing to cook?
Oxtails. It’s tender, falls right off the bone, makes its own gravy.

Your specialties?
Blackened sea bass over mushroom risotto with a lobster cream sauce, or halibut over veggie risotto with a green olive cream sauce.

Your co-worker, Matt, had a huge Afro. Was that hard to work around in the kitchen?
Small kitchens don’t bother me. I had a big Afro when I was little, but Matt out-afroed me.

Why do people eat too much?
I don’t tell people when to stop. But these kids—how can you eat a whole chicken when you’re just a baby? Parents are lazy.

What kind of appetizer should a couple order on their first date? Why?
Popcorn shrimp. Because you asked me.

You and I are both from Cleveland. What else do we have in common?
Nothing.

I heard Dayton, Ohio’s hometown hero Ed Moses was randomly stopped by police while driving his white Mercedes down Ed Moses Boulevard. More sad or ironic?
Sad.

Were you in Cleveland during the riots in Hough?
Yeah. The Black Nationals [bleep], they burned up their own neighborhood. The Panthers were different. But in the summers I stayed in Union Springs, Alabama, near Montgomery. I’d ride a bus down there by myself. In Union Springs you had to go to the back door of the Kentucky Fried Chicken to get served, even though everyone who worked there was black. I was really upset; I said, “Give me some extra chicken!” It’s still like that now. It’s like the Andy Griffith Show—you can go lock yourself in jail if you need to.

Were you in Montgomery during the bus boycott?
No, but I was there when they shot George Wallace.

Who do you admire more, Martin Luther King or Malcolm X?
They’re different—non-violent and violent. Going to Mecca changed Malcolm; he saw all different colored Muslims. He was very intelligent. He voiced his opinion too much, especially when Kennedy died and he said, “It’s the chickens coming home to roost.” He got too powerful too quick; Elijah Mohammed—he had so many babies he didn’t know what to do.

Were you in Vietnam?
No. I would have gone to Canada if I had to. Why would I want to go kill people so we could control the drug trade there? The U.S. wants to control everything; white people [bleep]…

Do you like gangsta rappers?
Some are good, some should keep their mouths shut. I like KRS-One and Poor Righteous Teachers.

What about Eminem?
I like everything but the one about his mother. You shouldn’t call your mother a b—— when she could have [bleep]…

Why are people so hard on Vanilla Ice?
[bleep]

Do you think dwarves are funny, like on “The Man Show”?
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

What is your opinion of the Muzak Man outside the Springhill Tavern?
He’s just trying to get paid. He’s never done anything to me. I don’t care what he does. … But the hot dogs in the parking lot across the street from him cost $3—you can buy a pack in the store for that.

What do black people do for kicks around here?
Go to clubs in Mass, Portland, Manchester. Myself, I do nothing; I hang with my daughters. They’re twins, 12 years old, Mariah and Maleeka. One was a semi-finalist in the National Spelling Bee.

Do you have a bumper sticker saying so?
Hell, no.

Who are good role models for them?
Rosa Parks, Mahalia Jackson, Maya Angelou, Oprah—she’s come a long way. Seeing “Roots” when I was young was a revelation.

Your advice to men who are afraid to ask women out?
Open your mouth, don’t be scared. Read my book, “the Ricktionary.”

What is your opinion of local boutiques?
Expensive, and the clothes [bleep]. If it ain’t sharp, black folks don’t buy it. There was a little old guy with a cashmere coat who used to come around here; he was a very good dresser.

Boxers or briefs?
A little of both—the spice of life—Hanes and Fruit of the Loom. I have some $25 Tommy Hilfigers—they were a gift.